Who am I?

I’m actually struggling to answer that question these days.  I used to be able to answer before you even finished the question: “I’m a traveling dancer who loves lindy, blues and ballroom!  I love teaching and I am the lead vocalist of a band that plays Fort Lauderdale restaurants and clubs, five nights a week.  Save me a dance!”  A few years ago, I might have answered, “I’m a concierge at Walt Disney World.  When I’m not training new cast members, I’m making magic for guests at the Saratoga Springs DVC resort.  If you’re ever planning a trip to Disney, please let me help!”  More recently, my response might have been, “I teach Hebrew online when I’m not enjoying my super-cute four year old.”  Little by little, I noticed that my identity shifted from being a person who boldly chases after what she loves to being someone who is simply fortunate to share space with others.  While there’s value in making people happy, I’ve come to realize that I started losing myself, along the way.  This was amplified by toxic relationships in my life with people who sold me on the idea that I was worthless.  For the first time in over forty years, I truly felt LOST.  The feeling grew from a sense of uncertainty to an ongoing state of overwhelm until the anxiety took over and the depression kicked in.  I was paralyzed by some strange unnamable force that drove me to unhealthy habits.  When it occurred to me that I might lose my son if I didn’t make some drastic changes, I turned to YouTube, asking the ether to validate my feelings and direct me away from my imminent doom.  I swore I would never start a blog (because I’m not a writer), but here we are: I’m writing and, lo and behold, you’re reading.  If you’ve made it this far, kudos to me.

What now?

Despite my avenues of income over the years, I’ve always felt passionate about teaching: My sister put up with me when I demanded she play school with me, I studied Elementary Education and Business Administration in college (because I wanted to open an after-school tutoring center), I started teaching Hebrew and dance in 1999, I became a trainer in several positions, ranging from food and beverage, to retail, to hospitality, to education… Quite simply, it was the only consistent thing about any job I ever wanted to keep.  

My creation of this blog was born from a few things: 

• The to-do list that used to guide my daily priorities slowly grew into an impossible mountain of everything from urgent tasks and important calls to creative projects and a “someday” wishlist. This blog can be an outlet for me to work through started adventures and flesh out ideas that are important to me.
• Greg McEeown’s Essentialism had me asking myself, “What will my legacy be?  If I were to die next month, what would my son remember about me?”  I know it sounds morbid, but I really wanted there to be a physical catalog of things I would have loved to share with him.
• When I started learning about my ADHD, I stumbled across the term, “body doubling.” This has always been a huge thing for me, even as an adult.  I tend to get so much more done if someone is there, working beside me.  Even if they aren’t working, having someone present to hold me accountable seems to work wonders for me.  Since I cannot, in good conscience, make other people continuously drop what they’re doing to be my body double, the community I hope to build here might serve the same purpose.  If you expect me to deliver content, then I can’t very well play EverMerge all day long.
• I am not building this with the expectation that it will go viral or that I’ll somehow reach a million subscribers.  I am putting myself out there because, at my lowest points, hearing someone else validate what I was experiencing and share how they got through it has been monumental in pulling me out of a funk.  If even a handful of people benefit from my content, offering the reassurance that they are not alone and that there are ways through the thicket, I will feel I am doing “my part.”

Where can you follow me?

https://www.instagram.com/todayandtamar/ 

https://www.youtube.com/@todayandtamar 

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100094466445876

When will I be done?

I have no reason to believe I will ever feel “done.”  If done right, my legacy will live on in others.  I intend to share my process as I chip away at my monumental list of ideas and projects.  I guess there’s only one way to find out how long I’m willing to do this.

Why?

Some great people were there for me when I needed to read/hear their words.  I hope my words serve you or someone you love in some way.  Don’t be shy!  Shoot me a message anytime.

I’ll see you on the other side!